“May, may naririnig akong awitin…
At may, may naririnig akong bagong sigaw…
Hindi mo ba namamalayan?
Wala ka bang nararamdaman?
Ika ng hangin na humahalik sa akin…
Panahon na naman ng pag-ibig.
For the record, I’m not blogging against just because it’s Valentines today… this post is long overdue and much needed… I need this anonymity just to get these feelings off my chest…
“How can I like you so much when I know I can never have you?”
Pilit kong iwinawaksi at iwinawalang-bahala ang aking lumalalim na pagtingin, kaibigan lang, kaibigan lang… iyon ang aking payo sa sarili. Ngunit sa iyong mga ngiti at salitang nakakabighani… ako’y walang laban… isuko ko man ang aking puso alam ko’y hindi mo ito kayang ingatan.
I’m desperately hoping my feelings right now are just a reflection of the valentine mating hysteria… but in truth, I worry that because I know it’s wrong to fall for him that I’m just basically in denial and that I like him MORE than I can even bear to admit. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. And I believe that karma is a bitch and it never fails to come back and bite. So basically, I’m struggling with all my might to not fall for him.
As much as he’s managed to seduce my mind and stir my too-busy heart… I don’t ever want to shatter hearts just to make mine whole. Something wrong, can never be right. This month, I know it is inevitable that we spend time together but I’ll do my best to keep my heart in check. Just please… don’t suddenly hold my hand when we’re crossing the street… don’t text me in the middle of the night to give me tips for my exams… don’t ask me out when you know I’m down… because as much as I have exquisite control… I’m human… I could succumb to this stupid feeling because everything I could ever ask for is in you. Meeting you right now is not destiny… it’s just a stupid tragedy because someone got you first.
Today, I’m gonna pretend I’m fine and that I don’t feel a thrill when he textes or when you go across the room before class just to say hi. I’m gonna pretend I’m too busy for love and that the only reason I’m spending time with you is because of official business. I’m going to pretend the my heart still beats the same even after you’ve changed the beat.
I discontinued my blog in wordpress for two reasons: one being that my anime posts and anime blog gets all the hits and comments and the second is the fact that by the end of May, I was also feeling terribly apathetic and indifferent to my own feelings. I felt that going into hibernation mode would just fit the feeling of isolation that’s been bugging me even when I’m out with someone.
Fast forward to now… yes, I’m writing again. I am so back to blogging! Yes, the messy scenario that’s had me bouncing all over the place has been somewhat sorted out recently… not as clearly as I hoped but “cutely”. Yes, I’m back in law school. And yes, while I seriously miss my besty, I’ve also been given the chance to bond with other great friends. So aside from the fact that I’m dead tired on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays— life’s just peachy.
Last weekend though, I hung out with a friend from Cebu who wanted to give me a bracelet he had specially picked out for me. It’s always nice to catch up with friends but to this day, I can’t help but still think about some of the stuff he said. He said that I had extreme vulnerability issues. He gave me several head-bops just to emphasize the point. He said that the reason why I compartmentalize guys into the friends zone is because I refuse to open myself to the idea of falling for someone who may or may not fall in love with me.
I thought about it. I’ve always reasoned out that I don’t date friends or that I compartmentalize guys because there are less complications that way. Believe me, I’ve always hated the feeling of not being able to reciprocate the love of a friend. When you reject a friend, it HURTS because you don’t really know if your friendship would survive that moment. So there, I believed that I had perfectly logical reasons for consigning guys to the friends zone. I just really didn’t want to hurt anybody.
But after Saturday… I’m forced to somewhat examine my own motives for that never date a friend policy. Forced as in after head-bopping and serious shaking, I finally did consider the idea that yeah, I have extreme vulnerability issues. I hate not knowing where things are going, what people are thinking and feeling– I’m actually a self-proclaimed spoiler queen just so I can always have a certain amount of control over say, a new movie or a TV series. I just hate not knowing so I quickly consign guys off to the friends zone. While I see it as an act of kindness (hello, I’m not exactly gf material, I’m pretty ambitious T.T), lately, I’ve also somewhat realized that yes, it’s a self-preservation tactic. I totally have no plans of falling for someone who may or may not return my feelings.
Yesterday, Micchan and I sort of discussed this whole scenario. We both firmly believe that there’s no worse feeling or no greater hell than liking someone who doesn’t like you back. But at the same time, I also want to be brave. My friend from Cebu says that while I’m a fighter in all aspects, I immediately raise the white flag when it comes to more romantic pursuits. *Coughs* Well, I’m pretty stubborn so I’m not so sure I can overcome my own hesitations quickly. But since I’m more aware of my ahem, vulnerability issues, I’ll try to keep an open mind. And so right now, as I study law and meet new people, I’m also learning (and trying extremely hard) to keep my heart open.
“Live like you mean it, love ’til you feel it” — Before It’s Too Late by The Goo Goo Dolls
I may have to discontinue my blog for two reasons, the first being that my anime blog and posts (re: my Alice Academy post in here nets 10 comments daily) gets all the big hits and the second being that I’ve been feeling largely disconnected emotionally hence the lack of will to write. These past few days, weeks even–there’s this feeling of distance and melancholy overtaking me. I feel lonely even during a fun dinner, I feel detached amidst the barrage of emotions going my way.
The feeling is not emptiness but it’s quite similar in the sense that I feel listless and restless but that I feel there’s something out there that would turn this tide of unemotional anxiety (hehe, I coined that phrase) but that special thing is just beyond my reach. Maybe its the lack of male-female dynamics the last few months– however, I did recently rectify it and I have made personal vows to just “go with the flow and not overanalyze”. So option one solved. Personal plans are well on their way, I’ve mapped out and am working through to achieve my dreams. So option two is also check. So why am I feeling this way? It’s this absolute lack of feeling that’s been bugging and bothering me. Has the past stripped me of whatever emotions I have? I’ve been getting really into, ehem, actually even more into anime because all the feelings I want to feel are written so wonderfully in the many stories I’m watching.
But I seriously think I may need professional help soon (as if I already don’t, nyahaha) because for a straight-shooting law student slash classic overcompensating type like me, why are all my dream guys Peter Parker (the emo nerd), Bruce Wayne (emotionally unavailable vengeful guy) and Light Yagami (Death Note’s coolly brilliant but remorseless psychopathic killer)? *sobs*
And all the other things like I mentioned above will have to be put on the sidelines until I’m not so messed up anymore. So for now, hibernation mode on and anime fan girl personality will have to take control.
When work is finished and whenever I need a break from my story or the thoughts that play like crazy over and over on my mind, I usually get hooked onto quizzes. As in quiz addict ako, from personality tests, to IQ exams hanggang umabot ako sa mga quiz na kagaya ng, “What element is your love?” And you know what, it’s not such a bad addiction after all. Nakakatuwa finding out some stuff about yourself. And here’s the result of what kind of element my love is. ^_^
Your Love Element Is Metal
In love, you inspire and respect your partner.
For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.
You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.
You connect best with: Earth
You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other
I haven’t posted for a long time because of one reason: Animax Awards. ‘Nuff said, let’s go on with this post since Cat tagged me for this one. Thanks Cat! I’m copying the first part (RE: RULES) from your post because I’m too lazy. Teehee. 😛
Here are the rules:
- Put up a post “Real Moms” (insert what they do here)
- Followed by an explanation, a picture(uhmm, I guess this one is optional), and a “Real Moms”. —> Definitely optional yung picture in my case!
- “I have to tag 5 willing or unwilling bloggers, to maintain the meme” so people, tag away!
Now on with the meme:
Real Moms are those who can love and care for a child deeply whether or not that child is biologically theirs or someone else’s. She nurtures a child not because it’s her duty but because she has a loving heart. Angelina Jolie is this type of mom.
Real moms are those who can raise a child with pride, even on her own. Go Kaye!
Real Moms are those who think only about the best interests of her child but would have a soft enough heart to listen to what her child might think best.
Real Moms are those who can be silly and paranoid and even temperamental especially when her kids are growing up or are grown up… and yet still have a big enough heart to laugh, forgive and forget the past.
And to conclude this meme, Real Moms are those wonderful females who gave birth to you, fed you, raised you, educated you and stuck with you through your first pimple, period, boyfriend and so on.
Long live the Queen– I mean, the moms!
Okay, now the hard part, tagging people. Sorry but this will be a random thing to inflict on people from my blogroll, nyahahaha! First I pick Arch (kasi summer vacation naman), Rina, Carlotta and I pick Pippin who is dying for everyone to visit his blog and another random victim, Geno. Nyahahahaha!
Just a side note, I might be changing my blog format– I’ve been having a difficult time maintaining two blogs (and a very popular anime blog at that) so LivingTodayInThePresent’s posts might be different in the days to come. Instead of long-winded rants, posts, baka lists na lang. Hehe.
Btw, after a week of dating, I’ve decided: TO GO BACK TO MY CAVE AND HIBERNATE! Read the rest of this entry »