Impossibilities
“May, may naririnig akong awitin…
At may, may naririnig akong bagong sigaw…
ay ikaw…
Hindi mo ba namamalayan?
Wala ka bang nararamdaman?
Ika ng hangin na humahalik sa akin…
Panahon na naman ng pag-ibig.
For the record, I’m not blogging against just because it’s Valentines today… this post is long overdue and much needed… I need this anonymity just to get these feelings off my chest…
“How can I like you so much when I know I can never have you?”
Pilit kong iwinawaksi at iwinawalang-bahala ang aking lumalalim na pagtingin, kaibigan lang, kaibigan lang… iyon ang aking payo sa sarili. Ngunit sa iyong mga ngiti at salitang nakakabighani… ako’y walang laban… isuko ko man ang aking puso alam ko’y hindi mo ito kayang ingatan.
I’m desperately hoping my feelings right now are just a reflection of the valentine mating hysteria… but in truth, I worry that because I know it’s wrong to fall for him that I’m just basically in denial and that I like him MORE than I can even bear to admit. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. And I believe that karma is a bitch and it never fails to come back and bite. So basically, I’m struggling with all my might to not fall for him.
As much as he’s managed to seduce my mind and stir my too-busy heart… I don’t ever want to shatter hearts just to make mine whole. Something wrong, can never be right. This month, I know it is inevitable that we spend time together but I’ll do my best to keep my heart in check. Just please… don’t suddenly hold my hand when we’re crossing the street… don’t text me in the middle of the night to give me tips for my exams… don’t ask me out when you know I’m down… because as much as I have exquisite control… I’m human… I could succumb to this stupid feeling because everything I could ever ask for is in you. Meeting you right now is not destiny… it’s just a stupid tragedy because someone got you first.
Today, I’m gonna pretend I’m fine and that I don’t feel a thrill when he textes or when you go across the room before class just to say hi. I’m gonna pretend I’m too busy for love and that the only reason I’m spending time with you is because of official business. I’m going to pretend the my heart still beats the same even after you’ve changed the beat.
