LivingTodayInThePresent

I discontinued my blog in wordpress for two reasons: one being that my anime posts and anime blog gets all the hits and comments and the second is the fact that by the end of May, I was also feeling terribly apathetic and indifferent to my own feelings. I felt that going into hibernation mode would just fit the feeling of isolation that’s been bugging me even when I’m out with someone.

Fast forward to now… yes, I’m writing again. I am so back to blogging! Yes, the messy scenario that’s had me bouncing all over the place has been somewhat sorted out recently… not as clearly as I hoped but “cutely”. Yes, I’m back in law school. And yes, while I seriously miss my besty, I’ve also been given the chance to bond with other great friends. So aside from the fact that I’m dead tired on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays— life’s just peachy.

Last weekend though, I hung out with a friend from Cebu who wanted to give me a bracelet he had specially picked out for me. It’s always nice to catch up with friends but to this day, I can’t help but still think about some of the stuff he said. He said that I had extreme vulnerability issues. He gave me several head-bops just to emphasize the point. He said that the reason why I compartmentalize guys into the friends zone is because I refuse to open myself to the idea of falling for someone who may or may not fall in love with me.

I thought about it. I’ve always reasoned out that I don’t date friends or that I compartmentalize guys because there are less complications that way. Believe me, I’ve always hated the feeling of not being able to reciprocate the love of a friend. When you reject a friend, it HURTS because you don’t really know if your friendship would survive that moment. So there, I believed that I had perfectly logical reasons for consigning guys to the friends zone. I just really didn’t want to hurt anybody.

But after Saturday… I’m forced to somewhat examine my own motives for that never date a friend policy. Forced as in after head-bopping and serious shaking, I finally did consider the idea that yeah, I have extreme vulnerability issues. I hate not knowing where things are going, what people are thinking and feeling– I’m actually a self-proclaimed spoiler queen just so I can always have a certain amount of control over say, a new movie or a TV series. I just hate not knowing so I quickly consign guys off to the friends zone. While I see it as an act of kindness (hello, I’m not exactly gf material, I’m pretty ambitious T.T), lately, I’ve also somewhat realized that yes, it’s a self-preservation tactic. I totally have no plans of falling for someone who may or may not return my feelings.

Yesterday, Micchan and I sort of discussed this whole scenario. We both firmly believe that there’s no worse feeling or no greater hell than liking someone who doesn’t like you back. But at the same time, I also want to be brave. My friend from Cebu says that while I’m a fighter in all aspects, I immediately raise the white flag when it comes to more romantic pursuits. *Coughs* Well, I’m pretty stubborn so I’m not so sure I can overcome my own hesitations quickly. But since I’m more aware of my ahem, vulnerability issues, I’ll try to keep an open mind. And so right now, as I study law and meet new people, I’m also learning (and trying extremely hard) to keep my heart open.

“Live like you mean it, love ’til you feel it” — Before It’s Too Late by The Goo Goo Dolls