Ice Princess Part 1
I have a “bantay-bata” past and that’s largely a reason why I’m cold and hugely unemotional. Few people know about it and it’s one of the hardest things to talk about for me. But just this morning, I was forced to relive that past again and this time, through my brother.
While my parents never lacked in the aspect of financial support, I realized now that what they lacked wasn’t emotional support but emotional maturity. As parents, they’re also terribly insecure and hot-tempered so whenever Jay and I needed space to breathe or make mistakes, they were onto us like raving Furies. We’ve been called names, beaten up, roughed up and made to feel as though our existence only had meaning because of them. It’s all very emo and because of it, I learned not to cry…and I learned not to feel too deeply especially for other people.
But now… my heart aches for my brother. He has resorted to hurting himself because he is so frustrated at my mother’s lack of understanding. It doesn’t help one bit that my mom would threaten to die and have her death on his conscience. And instead of helping him through it with empathy, my father shouts at him, calls him names and would push him around. All this happened just this morning.
One of the sad things in life is that one can never choose the parents he’ll be born with. But anybody can always come out stronger even if one’s paternity is unbalanced or abusive. I grew up overcompensating. I had to be perfect– I had to have good looks, a good mind, and a good personality. I was harder on myself than anybody else and maybe that’s why since then, no matter how much my mom would try to hurt me or make me cry, I have not shed a single tear.
But my brother did the opposite. Underachieving, hanging out with a bad crowd, getting emotionally attached to bad relationships, and having low self-esteem. If it wasn’t for work today, I would have rather stayed home, told my father to leave Jay alone and let him deal with his feelings first and I would have sat down beside him and would just be there. I won’t talk him to death (which is a tactic of my parents) but I would have told him just one thing, “Be stronger.” Because in life, if emotions rule you, you lose yourself.
Evan said,
February 21, 2007 at 11:38 am
Sad.
mico said,
February 22, 2007 at 8:24 am
very sad. i know how you feel. you are lucky in a way that financially your parents supported you guys. me, i have had no financial support, emotional support or whatever a parent should have done for their child. anyways, you are right, we have no choice but to be strong.
Natsu said,
February 22, 2007 at 11:51 am
I’ve never known anyone who has direct relationships with me that have been in this kind of situation before…But…I hope that everything will work out eventually – and that your brother will come to his senses and return to the bright side of the world at last….