LivingTodayInThePresent

That’s it for me, officially, I really can’t, as in seriously can’t stand mankind right now. Note the use of mankind– not women, I prefer to think that there’s this great, big gulf separating this two homo sapiens species. Because frankly, I’m seeing red at the sight of men making dewy eyes at me and guys who cannot, I repeat, CANNOT GET A HINT.

And I totally hate dumb, emo, oblivious, pathetic men the most! Come to think of it, I don’t think they even deserve the title of men, because he is so spineless and pathetic he makes me sick. Am I being too cruel? Perhaps I am but I have been pushed to the furthest corner of my tolerance– from the beginning, I never really had patience for guys but I tried to be nicer and more civil because whether I liked it or not, I’ll be seeing him around. But noooooooooo, apparently, my somewhat civil treatment led to an avalanche of “mooning” and sappy text messages and late night texts that are absolutely senseless.

It got to me just as he probably expected but in a completely negative way. If before I was just simply disinterested, now I LOATHE him… he annoys whatever’s still left in me to like guys out into oblivion. And just because of this pathetic sap, I have totally lost my interest and inclination to go out with guys. He overloaded me with such pathetic crap I cannot even stomach the idea of texting another man for fear of triggering a similar senseless mush attack.

If before I’m flattered by all the attention I’ve been getting because I’ve been looking better than ever— now….. I’m going to be colder than ever.

I have a “bantay-bata” past and that’s largely a reason why I’m cold and hugely unemotional. Few people know about it and it’s one of the hardest things to talk about for me. But just this morning, I was forced to relive that past again and this time, through my brother.

While my parents never lacked in the aspect of financial support, I realized now that what they lacked wasn’t emotional support but emotional maturity. As parents, they’re also terribly insecure and hot-tempered so whenever Jay and I needed space to breathe or make mistakes, they were onto us like raving Furies. We’ve been called names, beaten up, roughed up and made to feel as though our existence only had meaning because of them. It’s all very emo and because of it, I learned not to cry…and I learned not to feel too deeply especially for other people.

But now… my heart aches for my brother. He has resorted to hurting himself because he is so frustrated at my mother’s lack of understanding. It doesn’t help one bit that my mom would threaten to die and have her death on his conscience. And instead of helping him through it with empathy, my father shouts at him, calls him names and would push him around. All this happened just this morning.

One of the sad things in life is that one can never choose the parents he’ll be born with. But anybody can always come out stronger even if one’s paternity is unbalanced or abusive.  I grew up overcompensating. I had to be perfect– I had to have good looks, a good mind, and a good personality. I was harder on myself than anybody else and maybe that’s why since then, no matter how much my mom would try to hurt me or make me cry, I have not shed a single tear.

But my brother did the opposite. Underachieving, hanging out with a bad crowd, getting emotionally attached to bad relationships, and having low self-esteem. If it wasn’t for work today, I would have rather stayed home, told my father to leave Jay alone and let him deal with his feelings first and I would have sat down beside him and would just be there. I won’t talk him to death (which is a tactic of my parents) but I would have told him just one thing, “Be stronger.” Because in life, if emotions rule you, you lose yourself.

Never again
would I turn away from you
I’m so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe 

Please say honestly
You won’t give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

Last Saturday, a friend told me over and over again at how he thinks I’m crazy for not falling in love. He told me that I was blind for not seeing that the very thing I’ve been looking for is right in front of me…but the thing is, I’m not looking. And lately it seems, love’s been finding me everywhere.

Last week too was a huge revelation for me. I can confidently say that my heart is still beating. It’s been through a horrible ordeal and its scarred but after a long time, it’s finally whole. Beat-up yes, but still whole. It feels great to not feel the agony of lost love, it’s great to not be teary-eyed over love songs and old memories, but what feels the best about this new found sense of wholeness is that for the first time in a looooooong time, my heart is finally taking notice of the love that’s been around me all this time. And frankly, I’m starting (hooray! I’m not so numb after all!) to finally get romantically interested.

Valentine’s day is fast approaching and while I still look at it with a healthy amount of disdain– I do admit I’ll certainly be missing getting flowers this year. I’m usually an ice princess but if there’s one thing that is sure to make me mushy/sappy and all dewy-eyed is flowers. I actually appreciate flowers more than fancy gifts, chocolates, and pricey dinners. I just love the impracticality of flowers–it never fails to bring out the closet romantic in me.

My heart still beats and I’m so glad to finally feel it again. I look forward to the day when it starts beating for someone.