LivingTodayInThePresent

I’m not the most experienced person when it comes to male-female relationships, in fact I’m pretty much a novice myself having only actually BE IN ONE (serious one I mean) just last year. Friends attribute my late “blooming” to my fickle-mindedness and high standards but to be honest, I guess I just never really found the guy I wanted to be in a serious relationship with until two years ago. And my goodness, it’s been one hell of a discovery. ^_^

Male-female dynamics for me have always been set in stone, for me, the GUY ALWAYS COMPROMISES. I’ve never been one to chase or give everything or be crazily in love and I guess I drove a couple of guys crazy (or turned them gay) with my ice-princess manhid attitude. I’m a good friend but an unemotional girlfriend, it always made me wonder if I was a cold fish or if I just couldn’t handle real relationships. My best friend who was ages ago sought my hand, had even dubbed me “princess”.

Rewind back to 2004, the way things were going, the last place I expected to be was in a committed relationship. I was just starting as a courtside reporter, I was competiting in speech contests, I was running for student council AND I was all hung up on a player. Oh, and I was also on a dating streak– pure chinese guys. Back then, I felt that serious relationships would hold me down and I was having way too much fun dating and exploring my infatuation with that guy. I wrote poems for him, composed original text messages and forwarded it to everyone but him, I texted everybody but him–in short, I was your torpe girl. I was terrified of looking like I had a crush on him so I never really paid too much attention to him in fear of being found out.

It had the makings of an epic love story– a nerdy girl turned sportscaster plus the star of a team. *sighs* My friends were crazy about the idea of him and me getting closer when the season ends, everybody would go gaga or kilig whenever they see me and him talking. It was also not unrequited– he gave me chocolates and would text me, he even gave me his bracelet, the then popular, “what would Jesus do” wristbands. I was crazy about him. Period.

And then along came Vince. When he came into my life, I was so sick of dating Chinese guys I was skeptical about him. Good thing though, he was mostly Pinoy so that tipped the scales back a bit. I was all set to put him in the “just friends” department when I discovered two great things about him.

1. His birthday is October 15

2. We have the same eating habits (re: slow, no veggies)

So I thought then, well, it might be fun to finally hang out with a guy who eats like me and almost shares my birthday! He’s a welcome distraction to my mounting infatuation with the player, I was also feeling depressed about the fact that maybe I was just “another girl” to the player.

But as days flew by, the complacent feelings began to turn to feelings of contentment and completion. I didn’t realize it at first but being with him began to feel like home. But the heat was also turning up in my “infatuation”– he confessed he liked me! And while I was ecstatic to have the object of my fantasies finally return the feeling, I was also slowly growing up from it all.

My barkada was torn between rooting for the Joan and the Player love story and the Joan & Vince Story. Both men had flaws, while the player seemed like a very risky choice, Vince was the normal yet often late guy who had left me hanging on previous occasions. But there were two important nights that influenced my decision. The night I visited my dad at the hospital and the victory party at Libis.

After picking me up from a game and after having pretty bad day at that, Vince and I went to Cardinal Santos to visit my dad who had recently finished surgery on his ankle after breaking it in a badminton game. That night because of his efforts, my heart lifted from its depression and anxiety. It was also the first time he met my parents and that night, I was struck with sudden clarity– he could be the ONE. So when he took me home, I leaned over and kissed his cheek and said, “Thank you.” It was the first time in 5 years that I’ve kissed another guy except for family.

On the night of the victory party however, I had the SWEETEST (maybe even hottest) encounter with the player. Amidst the flashing lights, the loud music and the press of people, it was like he and I had a world of our own. He held my hand, his hand would rest at my waist or at my shoulder–it was everything an “obsessee” could ever hope for. It was like a dream coming to life with each touch, each caress, each whisper in my ear. But like most dreams, it had to end, well before the happy ending could be seen.

That Saturday, from school and on the way to ABS-CBN for the interview and taping with my team, my mind was scuttling back on forth between the two men. I didn’t know who to choose! Clearly, it is now time for me to pick between them because things have gone beyond casual dating and friendly interaction. It didn’t help one bit that both men  have openly admitted that they liked me. My mind was whirling from the possibilities, the “what-ifs” and the “what-now”….I could feel my heart tearing in two–literally… one half yearned the excitement of a risky relationship with a “star” and the other part of me screamed to pick the sensible choice.

In the middle of the live team interview, the lights and the roll of the camera, I saw Vince standing beyond the hoopla. He was just there, watching and waiting for me. After the show, the player was waiting for me. I introduced Vince and him to each other. It was a breathtaking moment. And then I said my goodbyes. I didn’t think about looking back.

While driving to Makati, my mind was silent. For once, after all the weeks of confused emotions, everything was still. I even found the traffic peaceful. When the car was still because of the traffic, Vince reached behind the passenger seat and gave me a single long-stemmed white rose. I read the card, and in it said that it was represented the love he was offering, white and pure and was also asking, “Will I take it?”

I was silent for a long time and then while he was already driving, I turned to him, smiled and simply said, “Yes”. And that was the beginning of everything real.

“When I arose and saw the dawn, I sighed for thee, When the light rode high and the dew was gone, and noon lay heavy on flower and fire, And the weary Day turned to her rest, lingering like an unloved guest, I sighed for thee.” -Shelley